It’s been a while since my last piece. I’m not sure if it’s because I thought I didn’t have anything worthy to say, or because of what I might say. It’s quite daunting, not being able to articulate a certain feeling or putting it into context. I imagine it’s much like writing a song and not being able to get the melody to go with the lyrics. Thanks to the “break it down” concept, it comes down to just getting on with it. The rest will follow, hopefully. Something I’ve learned over the past 6 or so months. You can think about something and plan how you want to get something done, dreams, ideas – whatever. But no amount of “dreaming” will ever amount to much more than that if you don’t do something other than trusting in the universe. This may seem obvious but to those of us who are lovers of dreams don’t take to well to this idea. Reality seems like an invasion of this deeply personal landscape and questions like “what if I lose my ability to imagine?” or “what if I become just another drone!”. Truth is, I lived only to dream and thankfully my vicious wake up call forced me to re-evaluate my mindset. My single desire became to be busy, and productive and more than anything – FOCUSED! Day by day the rules I set for myself are becoming the driving force behind my journey and I certainly have a clearer vision of what it is I want to achieve, without having lost the sense of wonder.
Mad furious Rage
Ordinarily when I’m angry, I have my little tantrum, get it out the way & get on with life. Most of the time I’m able to just avoid such a situation by reminding myself to raise my vibrations, and then it generally leaves me unaffected. There are certain times though, especially at work because one HAS to be “civilized” and a “people’s person” and your only transgression is being yourself. As in not being able to tolerate the stupidity and nitpicking spiteful behaviour of co-workers and especially for not being willing to sooth their poor fucking fragile egos by kissing their pathetic asses and entertaining their moronic and 4 year old like conversations which is mostly gossip and talk of their personal lives. Very uninteresting and quite disgusting personal lives at that.
It so happened that yet again a co-worker got offended because I snapped at her (I simply said “no”) when she asked if she could do some mundane task for me. Well all hell broke loose! The coward didn’t even have the guts to tell me to my face not to talk to her like that, no; she waited till I was off duty & wrote a letter to our manager expressing her discontent at my irrational behaviour toward her mentioning offences that were not even relevant. All because I “snapped” at her. Well FUCK YOU I thought when I got to work and saw her little letter. I sent it to my manager myself and explained that I was no longer going to stand for this as every time this woman and her pathetic 200 year old husband (who also happens to work at the same place) had a problem with me ran to top management with mostly made up stories. Incidentally her disgusting husband is 30 years her senior. To cut a long story short, the rage that followed as management was immediately called in as I said I was going to lay a charge of sexual harassment against her because of the inappropriate electronic content she is constantly shoving in my face thinking I too would find it funny. Just because I mind my own business and never complain, the blame always comes to me.
I laid a formal complaint and what do you know, it was resolved immediately. The rage it evoked however is still simmering and I had to step outside a number of times just to avoid physically assaulting her. That’s how maddening the situation was. Worst of all is, this will not be the last time it happens as it’s not the first. I happen to want to keep my job because it kind of pays the bills but I dread the day when blind rage sets in. At least I have my keyboard to assist with some venting!