Should’ve, Could’ve, Would’ve
“You look so good”, ‘thanks’ was what came out of my mouth. What I really wanted to ask was, is that all she could say after making my life so miserable that I even started having visions of Jesus looking down at me from the cross, explaining that this is what he supposedly died for and I should show some damned well appreciation! Never mind, this is what most days were like in the land of “ What I should’ve said”. Even better would be to respond in song. Just imagining the look on someone’s face when answering the question of whether or not we’ve found Jaysus with a raucous rendition of “Highway to Hell”! Amusing as it is, society is so riddled with threats of eternal damnation that either it would be met by an invitation to be counselled or incarcerated. Both options being wholly futile to the laterally informed.
What there should be is a reference book, similar to a dictionary or a thesaurus. A collection of references for anyone to use, at the appropriate moments. Of course that would mean having to read the guide so as to have your comments ready at any given moment. For one thing, idiocy will automatically be assumed when walking around with a pocket book entitled “Essential Comebacks” and secondly, the desired effect would be somewhat diluted when you respond to an accusation of having no ambition or being lazy by saying: “Oh really, (scroll scroll scroll,) necessity is the mother of all invention & I’ve never found it necessary to listen to your bullshit, therefore I’ve not invented a way to tolerate you so you can just fuck off!”
At the end it all comes down to conditioning, i.e. we’ve been conditioned from a young age to respond “appropriately”. Like when the fat lady from your mother’s church tells you at a picnic “O dear, do you think it’s healthy to eat so much sugar”, when staring into your syrup laden face. Of course the “correct” response encouraged by delusional parents would be to just smile politely, or they might even jump in and say something ridiculous like “ you know what kids are like”. In truth they’re probably thinking about something totally “inappropriate” themselves but because they’ve also been conditioned by their parents, the response remains timid, boring, apologetic nonsense!
I think letting chaos take over is sometimes a necessary thing. It’s completely liberating and constructive. So if asked by a lady if this dress makes her look fat, instead of saying “No”, go with a truthful answer. “No, the dress doesn’t make you look fat, it’s all the chocolate and ice-cream you’re constantly eating that makes you look fat!” The immediate repercussions may not be so positive but this lady is not going to keep walking around in this dress thinking she looks fabulous, all because you wanted to be polite! If she’s sensible she may even cut down on the sweets, saving her health from irreparable damage. Good deed done!
Mostly this is just wishful thinking. I’m sure there were a lot of aids in the White House (not the disease) during George Dubya’s reign of terror, who wanted many a time to say: “Mr President, you are an ass”, or something but couldn’t. If he got so pissed at people in countries he didn’t even know, imagine what his wrath would’ve done to those he was familiar with! Not to mention the head lines: Pres Bush decides to put an end to the terror of honest interns – 3rd Floor of the White House demolished!
So for the moment an imaginary reference will have to do. Nothing pisses people off as much as when they’re trying to command and you’re busy smiling!!


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